There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
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They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
is it earth
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My teenage children choosing violence
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?