You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
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Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.