“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
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guilty
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
then why did i get this email
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?