A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
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I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?