Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
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DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.