The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
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I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures