A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island