I’m not average. I’m mean.
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Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.