i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
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Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I have never related to a cat more
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense