I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
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Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21