Me too 😆
You Might Also Like
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
But wait…
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
😂 amazing answer
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My dog after a walk in the woods.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’