Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
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Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I put the h in mysterious.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!