My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
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All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
WTF IS THAT!
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
August 8
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Shark week, but for squirrels.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.