OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
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cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.