Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
You Might Also Like
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.