[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
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Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.