my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
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“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.