ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
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Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol