Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
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Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired