*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
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Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Duolingo getting serious.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
My Plans 2020
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat