My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
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Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
We found love in a hopeless place.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I’d love this…lol
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.