I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too