Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now