Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
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Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My wedding will be open casket.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.