Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
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I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
i hope my email finds you on fire
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
If snakes were wide
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.