[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
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Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa