[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.