I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
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The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Ironic
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Seems kinda suspicious
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today