Should I call tech support or pray or what
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When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
You had me at “define legal”.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.