I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
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This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Baking is just science you can eat.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be