NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
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I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁