Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
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[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…