MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Start the year as you intend to continue.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
o shit
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.