I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
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I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
The options really are this bad
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
OH. COME. ON.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court