I mean…but I did
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My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
*has no idea what a book even is*
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?