spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
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Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
fixed it
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
This was a bad idea all around
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.