This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.