At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
You Might Also Like
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Every photo I’m tagged in
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people