If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
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Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
This kid is a star!
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*