A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.