[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
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Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*