Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
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Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.