i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
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[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby