SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
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Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”