WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
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What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
#Caturday
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.