Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
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…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
How animals would run if they were human
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes