me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol