I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
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waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?