[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
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I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.