I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
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Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.